Tim Horton's 55 York St, Toronto, ON M5J 1R7, Canada
It was post-psychosis. Tabitha moved jobs from RBC to TD. We met over coffee where we sheepishly discussed the awkward reveal of my feelings towards her.
This is how that conversation ended.
John - "The feelings I have for you, I don't want it."
Tabitha - "...too bad."
This is not defamation, this my courage...to define Tabitha's character by proving her investment in my unwanted yearning (for her). BOOM! I'll never know to what degree, but I can confirm it was a vehicle of torture which took me years of SEVERE introspection to overcome. I'm no Hunter Moore...I'm just a shmuck who writes books.
Fuck you Satan.
I walk away from the fire. Fire is about the legacy we leave behind that people forget about after we die. Peace is about keeping a clear conscience. I choose peace. There will never be a 'Project Massimo.' I'm not afraid if it would fail, I'm afraid if it would succeed.
Today there was a "coincidence." My daughter was on our iPad all morning while I was out with my son at an indoor playground. When I got home my wife kicked Lia off of the iPad. My daughter grabbed a pudding pack and plopped in front of the TV and turned it on. I told her to turn it off. Her response?
Lia - "I don't WANT to be bored!"
John - "Too bad!!!"
It's about boredom. It's about knowing what's best for you to survive being controlled. Controlled by what? Ambition's talent to irritate us (with boredom). What ambition? To achieve the impossible. That's what I realized today, that...when I would rather die (choking on my own vomit) than submit to God; I remember that the immutable warmth I've grown accustomed (through my flaw) is difficult to leave behind. God's frost stings because that builds character. Warmth is boring. I don't want to be bored.
This is not about revenge Dr. Bami, this is about teaching my children that attention is dangerous. Why? You can't control people. It's impossible to please everyone, so attention becomes dangerous when we are denied. #psychosis
Emotional affairs in the workplace ravage families. On top of a toxic environment where my boss and colleagues discussed my lack of skill (behind my back) while I twisted in the wind for three years. Why? I was the "teacher's" pet. I had to learn years later from my then boss Trish Thornton (who reported into the "Teacher") revealed to me as these last words before she left the company,
"John if it were up to me, I would never have hired you."
I chuckled with confusion. Only hours later did I manifest a response.
"You know what Trish, if it were up to me, you would never have been my manager."
eSignatures...fucking broke me. Collusion between my manager Trish Thornton and colleagues to keep from me my poor performance; it was not documented truthfully by the "Teacher's" wishes (then VP Richard Wilson). I did not get the developmental support to raise my skillset as Trish recommended to the VP. A years long one-sided emotional affair (with a colleague) compelled me to master the human psyche. I've overcome psychosis, not without consequences. Such as? To confirm humanity is a race of incestuous-pedophiles. THAT IS OUR IMMUTABLE FLAW. Imagine how my insights can help survivors of psychosis? To prevent psychosis. To induce psychosis.
I'm a dad. As God as my witness...my children will not repeat my mistakes. Such as? Attention is dangerous. Outside of that, I need legitimacy from the establishment to spread my word across the medical community. If I don't get that, remember that I'm a father first. I advocate for my children, and that's all I can really handle. If you're interested in my quest, start from the beginning.
I'm bipolar. I accept the consequences because I don't have a choice. But being bipolar is not what makes me sick anymore. People not listening to me, does. No one understands me. That's keeping me sick. No one is listening. That's keeping me sick. No one admits I'm right. It took me 7+ years to map out my psychosis. I wager I can help people overcome psychosis in 6 months. No more long term disability. Have people reengage the workforce before they lose the will to starve.
The key to mental health is accepting yourself completely. Even the putrid Satanic thoughts we can't help to have. Humanity's chief export is delusion, conspiracy and denial. We have nothing to offer the galaxy beyond the bliss of oxygen debt: ignorance. Do you want to understand immutable flaw? Help me help. Only a maverick charts the known we take for granted.
What’s the purpose of unpleasant memories? In my experience a poor memory is linked to the embarrassment I’m feeling (with and without context) to my situation, or the theoretical scenarios that recruit a sharp focus; yanking muscles in a predictably and public signal of duress. Why? Empathy for oneself is weakness. The fear of appearing weak cannot stop itself from communicating. These “ticks” signal vulnerability should one have too stubborn a spine (to ask for help). Suppressing these “ticks” corrupt the gut because you would rather DIE than be vulnerable. That is what the “tick” signals, a stubborn spine, cannot forgive a mechanism that increases the likelihood of being reprimanded for communicating weakness. Why is there an appetite within our communities to admire strength comically? What’s funny about it? What does weakness have to do with strength? You don’t have the strength to be vulnerable. Why would we require to be “weak?” Would you be the type of person to admit that stubbornness isn’t worth risking your life. I could have cancer right now and I’m scared to confirm it. Why? I have the strength…to be weak.
I would rather die a slow, regretful death with peace of mind, than confirm my fears: I must have the strength to be weak in front of my doctor, my family, my friends, and the world. Cancer has a bit of celebrity to it. It’s kind of tempting to be the focus of attention, knowing there’s a good chance time is a growing commodity (for you). That would be an opportunity to accelerate parenthood or a “crash course” in teaching mistakes you don’t repeat. Maybe I got cancer because I used steroids in my twenties. Why? Gritting through pain lifting weights, avoided me being vulnerable (at a glance); If lies are a way of life, the irony of irony is magic. Dealing with the consequences of poor decisions, knowing (beforehand) you were selecting the wrong answer. I’ve made poor decisions in my life, and I pray to God my children listen to me. You don’t want the death of a child be the price of your liberty to fuck (i.e., abortion). Fuck you Satan. I’m smarter than you. I submit to God. Better to submit than to thrive temporarily. Satan loves to thrive while poor delusional souls pay the consequence (of his inspirations) to God without asking for forgiveness. Weakness is both a good and evil. The differences is you need the strength to know when to ask God for forgiveness. Do you have the strength? Is a lie worth your life? Then why tell the truth at all? The truth is (if dying gets me the attention I need to be happy), it’s worth dying for.
Very selfish John. Vulnerable men are selfish because they would rather die being adored than live to adore their family while they agree to ignore your mistakes. That is why we clean our conscience, to unclog our corrupted gut. That is an involuntary tick that signals duress. I haven’t the empathy for myself to admit I’m scared, and I need help. Why be scared? What if no one I cared about didn’t care back. I will have died in vain. Vulnerable men don’t have the strength to tame a woman’s heart. A woman’s heart is a fucking bitch (and she’s in heat). A promiscuous woman leaps into the fire of wisdom hoping to marry a good father figure. Bitches love the liberty to fuck. Why? No man is good enough. Why? Hypergamy. Where does that leave a divorced man with kids? I bet he’s praying for cancer. Fathers outlive their daughters. I can’t imagine the damage I would do to my daughter knowing she would resent me for prioritizing myself (over her). Cancer is an offramp towards affection. Weak people prioritize empathy at all costs.
Ultrasound, book appointment
July 29th, 3:40pm, mask required.
Dr. Roy, August 3rd at 10:05am.
I’ve noticed I don’t daydream while listening to music anymore (now that I’m over Tabitha). Women have no mystique, only the breasts of a mother. What is daydreaming exactly? It’s an alternate life based on our selfish terms. Whether those terms are to exercise confidence and suffering in ways that paint us as the hero. Heroes are a dime a dozen looking to exchange their circumstance for celebrity. Isn’t that why heroes exist? You know why heroes deflect that praise? They REGRET the attention in hindsight. I…am a hero. Every day. No one knows about it. I choose between a dancing god, and a physical-juggernaut-flying-through-space-using-only-thought as propulsion. Propulsion is the shark gills of the mind. Thought-propulsion is a fancy term I just made; it’s just another way of saying “I daydream about rescue culture.” What’s the purpose of daydreaming? It’s a mechanism to entertain a scenario that paints us in the best light. That’s the building blocks of delusion. I know a thing or two about delusion, because my IQ is (allegedly) 667. Delusion is thought-propulsion because so long as my delusions are met with perspective, I acquire wisdom through the unique thoughts I document in isolation. During psychosis I convinced myself I understood the universe. That lucidness…hospitalized me purely by its insanity.
How can you tell if that the integrity of thought is based on reality? Perspective ordains our delusions and conspiracies as success or failure. How we get there…is only a consequence of time. Is time linear? Time looks like a tree (with no leaves): You can’t tell which side is up or down without the perspective of soil. What’s the soil’s perspective? “I’m growing two things.” One breathes air, and the other suffocates it. Our subconscious sits on the soil’s whims to delight our delusions (and conspiracies) with perspective. Trees grow upside down. The leaves are the roots, like your mouth feeds the stomach. Irish folk tolerate love through the stubbornness of their spine. Stubbornness is your spine. The Irish are oppressed by their stubbornness to admit they love to envy obedience; someone who is ready (and willing) to answer for their fear in the face of emotional suicide. The inverse of affection envies the SPINE of obedience (in the face of experiencing emotional suicide); like a sponge (or a beer coaster). If we live life in the past to ignore the future in its mirrored reflection, your reality lives in the echo of the present. That means our future is consumed from our obsession over the past. How? You sugar coat the nostalgic memories (our predictions trigger) with rejuvenating optimism. Nostalgia is a religion for a Godless soldier, and the appealing backwash of delight tickles emotional fools to love them jealously.
Women just want to be moms before they think about the consequences. That’s the good man’s job to outthink their wives. Daydreaming such a terrible scenario prepares us to respond without pause. Daydreaming is surviving yourself. Delusion and conspiracy prepare us for the war that never comes. During our wait we become annoyed by our neighbours as their disagreeableness represent the taxing experience of angst. That angst must be exercised through competition (i.e., work, politics, sports, courtship, bloodshed). The angst of the war that never comes fuels our appetite to exchange their circumstance for the “relief” of celebrity. Relief from love’s envy for perfection, juxtapose to the relief your daydreams never manifest to avoid celebrity. It’s a strange dynasty our minds reign without mercy the possibility of conquering a worst-case scenario; and be a hero. But…maybe that’s down to the fact our stubbornness is our spine. That’s what it takes to survive ourselves. Nostalgia is a religion for a Godless soldier, with the stubborn spine, envying obedience. That is Irish folk, according to an Italian.
This is the abuse of power (woman have) to take advantage of love’s envy of (fallible) perfection. There are many fallible perfections abusing the power over horny retards. If you cannot stop your pursuer’s unwanted yearning (to continue its war on peace), that is an abuse of power. So long as you are fuckable Tabitha, your army of losers will help you forget bruised skin is seldom tart. The young are tart, you are bruised sweetly. That is your forbidden fruit: you are bruised sweetly within your pursuers emotional suicide. Never tart. Daydreaming for the day I’m happy, came true. If stubbornness is your spine and you yearn to yearn, I can help you overcome your immutable flaw (that breaks you like clockwork).
In the end Tab, pity me that this is my idea of clearing my conscience; there’s no room for judgement when you can’t help but relate to the truth being exposed. Do you have the courage to make that connection public? I do. Why? I see humanity’s immutable flaw create delusions so long as reality entertains it. What’s the biggest lie? “I enjoy love.” Yeah right...for now. Love schemes with tragedy. So long as you love, you will never be at peace. Conscience loves to envy perfection. Love is addictive because envy keeps us yearning to achieve the impossible; that's not moral. That may be marketable but it's not moral to inspire envy.
a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.
To reveal the truth about your conscience automatically tunes us to the judgements of others being in denial that they (actually) enjoy love. No one enjoys love dominated by yearning. Why? People that punish your sense of denial (that we actually enjoy love) thanks to the envy of those who believe fallible people are perfect. Envy robs my love of its peace. Bonds are made, but not felt without woe, hence poetry. My bonds are driven from fear to be alone. That’s not moral. If you would do anything to avoid loneliness, you would lie, cheat, steal, even kill to secure that satisfaction. By cleaning my conscience, I clean it free of love looking to convince me I enjoy it’s company. HA! No one enjoys it’s company. I am smarter Tab, then you are beautiful. Women sexualize their shame because it’s a woman’s advantage to inspire envy in the face of their insecurities. Plural. Why? Having sex exercises a women’s conscience at the expense of the market of good men’s yearning to wed and conceive with them. This is why the red pill movement began, to unify men against the prospect of surrendering to a women's love by envying a fallible perfection.
An empty conscience is a justified compartment. Justified? Compartment? The conscience compartmentalizes shameful memories that can be triggered by a total recall of events. Total recall is the sharp intrusion of an unpleasant memory. These states are justified because in a moment of absolute certainty (our flaws cannot be cured) has neither morals nor denial. Think about that for a sec. “I don’t deny evil my time.” No sign of morals, yet not in denial about it. You are in denial of the fact your truth has no heaven. That's your take-away as your flinching consciousness drowns in regret. It’s a place from which unfiltered thought can communicate flaw effectively on a truthful level. Why? Truth exposes flaws (within the earshot of acceptance) to understand the denial God scripted for you. It’s my truth that the truth does its best to communicate the forgiveness of flaw by ignoring fear’s tactics. I ignore Satan's fear because I trust my intelligence to predict my hope (in God) coming true. I hope my faith works. Faith in Jesus is the only truth WITH a heaven. How can I prove I have an empty conscience? HEATHENS hate God when they are swayed by the relevance of what they deny. Why? You are in top pursuit of arrogance; slicker than shit. Why? Heathens idolize the unfathomable frontiers of God (by Christian's accounting of belief). Humanity is persuaded by God through the fallibility of love (i.e., a daddy’s girl gets her way); in all its ways to express God’s perfection to those who resent pain from their envy (to be loved). How do we achieve peace? Loving others (like you wish to be loved)? No! Those who will love others will be addicted (to achieving the impossible) with envy...do so by love’s will to destroy your heart. Love is a (fallible) tool to convince gay people to procreate with the opposite sex. That’s it. It's not perfect. That's humanity in a nutshell. Evil loves to love lovers of love. Get it? Thanks to envy, love and conscience are not moral, that’s why you need Jesus with his PLATONIC…love.
Jesus is our best friend.
Jesus will NEVER fall in love with you. However, he is the ultimate pussy-tease.
He died for our sins, to save us.
The son of God saved us, by suffering in Christian Hell for three days just to secure our platonic love. Think about that. Isn't the platonic designated for the unattractive? But Jesus is/was the son of God. Interesting. It's a rejection of the facts. Jesus was communicating, "I wouldn't bang you, but I'll sacrifice my life to save yours." Who's the loser here? Jesus or you? Us obviously, because Jesus lowered his standards. Get it? How can a stranger be so selfless (without desire)? Jesus is/was selfless because there was no envy in his heart. At least not until he descended into hell. Jesus grew yearning like a fucking hypocrite. What did "the saved" do in response? Smirk or cry. Jesus saved hypocrites his fate.
If you must scowl, pity my ideas on how to clean conscience. There’s no need for offence because I’m not trying to convert you to believe my bullshit. My bullshit just needs to be heard. Then I can die without regret. I'm an amateur Death Doula. A Death Doula clears ones conscience so you can live and die with peace of mind. Cinderella-Queens are above insecurity. However, we only damn ourselves with doubt.
It's a safe assumption that truth travels back in time. God exists in future of your flaws.
God sets in motion.
Hell is home for a heathen; a home you are never welcome in.
Remember Cinderella-Queens to CONTRACT your infinity to fit through the narrow gates of heaven. How? Surrender requests God to forgive us, not mercy. Ask for forgiveness, not mercy. Now. Release God's pain.
There’s no heaven that exists for your truth (or mine). There is no hell, only insecurity. What does that mean? If we are truly saved, only our insecurity conjures doubt. Get it? Hell is in the head. Biblically. Words are witchcraft. Jesus bypasses the written word and speaks directly to our heart.
Don't damn yourself with the price of being wrong about God. I admit I'm wrong (and ask for forgiveness) to give me the humbleness I need to recognize envy is what's wrong with love: yearning. When you are more envious than humble you yearn for "REALITY" to save you (instead of faith). Faith humbles you to recognize God IS fake. God is God EVEN when YOU don't BELIEVE in him. God is beyond the Christian view. Those that have no humbleness envy "yearning" to thrive in infinity a finite life. That's a heathen in a nutshell. Ask a Sardonic Poet, I'm here to help clean your conscience before you die. I'm a Death Doula. I clean your conscience so you live and die without regrets. That's dignity.
Heaven rips out envy from our saved hearts; to be rid of its schemes to acquire desire.
Repeat after me:
Heaven rips out envy from our saved hearts; to be rid of its schemes to acquire desire.
That restraint alone...gives everlasting peace.
Love is what makes us fallible.
Heaven removes love to achieve our peace.
Be still, my heart loves God…
Love is what makes us fallible. Love is what makes us fallible. Love is what makes us fallible. The infallible love...to doubt God.
Remove the love. Hell is like love bemoaning loneliness. Oh my Gosh! Cinderella-Queens are above (using) criticism because they are never offended. They can only pity a Sardonic Poet’s lack of confidence in the face of flaw. Immutable flaw.
unchanging over time or unable to be changed.
Tabitha Steffens represents John’s immutable flaw. It breaks him (like clockwork) and that’s why Tabitha loves my difficulty to enjoy it: Thanks to her silent treatment I receive, a loves envy for perfection, is amusing to behold ensconced in silence. Flaw is the denial our conscience loves to envy perfection. Yikes Tab, I envy your perfection! That's how attractive you are to me. Yet, I don't care because I'm smarter than you are beautiful. Tab if you were to reject this fact with arrogance, it confirms humanity has a stake in envying perfection. You are not perfect Tab. I know that now. My yearning for you has finally stopped
7/11/2022 0 Comments
7/6/2022 0 Comments
I have NOT been in contact with Tabitha since January of 2018. She has had NO input into any of my work linked to sardonicpoet.com, brainsmithy.com, my YouTube channel or my books. The purpose of this reveal is to state I do not hold Tabitha responsible for what happened to me. This is how I've made peace with this situation. She should respect that. One-sided affairs are common in the workplace, and in my case (in part) gave me brain damage thanks to psychosis. I want to be an advocate for people who feel trapped like I was (in a corporate environment) and give them the courage to leave their job before they too get too sick to try. I do NOT want my children to repeat my mistakes, which is why I WILL talk to them openly about one-sided emotional affairs when appropriate.
Tabitha, you no longer deserve anonymity. Why? You don't need protecting. I am smarter than you are beautiful. Your ego will reject this fact to keep you from craving denial; the denial someone with my intelligence has outgrown you. Women are thirst traps because men fuck-on-command. You knew that Tab from the beginning, so don’t pretend to act innocent; you suspected I liked you. If a co-worker managed to suspect I liked you…you must have discussed my crush with someone. You don't deserve my wisdom Tab; fear that. You are a fruitless-endeavour. Why? You're too fine to be married. Broken bitches chasin' riches. Thank you for rejecting me. Through repetition, adults have programmed you (since childhood) ...to rely on your looks for confidence. Why? Attention communicates its nuclear bond irresponsibly. Affection is fluid.
You know this, that's why you avoid being spiritually entranced (to the reactions of weak men that compliment your worth) without them getting to know you clearly don't deserve compliments; that’s your dirty secret to keep horny retards yearning. You don’t deserve compliments. On top of that a woman's worth ages like milk, which is why their worth is restored by the satisfaction of ignoring men’s advances. Why? Men fuck-on-command. That’s bloody obvious to ANYONE with a pulse Tab because attention communicates its nuclear bond irresponsibly.
That’s what I did for a decade in your friend-zone. Why? We are all incestuous-pedophiles. Wait! What?! Since you were a young child Tab, you’ve sensed (like all developing females) when grown men wanted to fuck you (with their lecherous leers), so you learned at a young age to control weak men with platonic friendships as a “defence mechanism.” Only a WEAK person would express their creepy desire to fuck the young. Why? They never make a move; not thanks to their character or morality, but their fear of rejection. Only the healthy fear of rejection stops an incestuous-pedophile from communicating their desires to the young beyond lecherous leers. Then why do women befriend predators? *sigh* attention is attention after all. That’s why we can’t trust a woman's ability to discern between right and wrong, weak and strong. Why? Women are moral idiots when it comes to procreation. Why? Spoiled with too many men to choose from. However, a true alpha would NEVER…risk impregnating a post-wall whore (with sex).
Now I... have the capacity to torture you (should you be a masochist) with my words the way Tabitha's beauty tortured me (for years). My wisdom records the accuracy of my perceptions to entrance those who require entrapping the opposite sex (with platonic affection) to function emotionally via weak men held at bay by friendship. A platonic friendship starves weak men's desire for dignity, while women like Tabitha are amused by this triviality. As long as her beauty is a lightning rod for horny retards, nature's merciless decay to weaken men's worth, ironically sets up Tabitha's delusions to be toyed with by males she desires (who do have self-worth), that won't commit to her (i.e., pump and dump). Why this pursuit? To punish her father. Why? If a daughter does not use her father as a benchmark for a husband, her father's genes are self-terminating. This explains in part the incestuous-pedophile phenomenon. Weak fathers (like weak men) don't deserve to live, let alone procreate. Weakness is strength without the confidence. That's why weak men fuck on women's command; nice guys don't deserve to live (according to women who friend-zone men). Who is the bigger pig? A guy that fucks a hundred women (in a row)? Or the women lining up to get fucked by one guy? Good men respect virginity. Pussy is NOT a casino.
Weak men end up marrying post-wall whores when they’re used up. Why? Weakness is strength without confidence. If a wife never supports her husband, she remains in control of his strength (without his confidence to steer his destiny). That's why alpha males DOMINATE women without commitment. Alpha males know how weak women are when they get a taste of their own medicine. They deserve to be. They didn't use a good father figure as a benchmark for a husband. Why? Women can't date down. Why?
Imagine how an absent father figure would influence a girl's affinity for masculinity without a good paternal benchmark? Superficial (in this context) means a woman’s reaction begins with her enjoying the amusement of men who strikes out (with her); only the "good" women shake loose their love for amusement to empathize with the pursuing man's unwanted yearning. Women's imagination will exchange femininity for their OWN "superficial" version of masculinity, to befriend and steer weak men’s strengths without their confidence. A woman’s idea of masculinity is both weak and superficial. That’s why women are mystified by assholes, when masculinity and disrespectful behaviour are successful strategies in courting horny retards. Tab...red heads are the biggest of horny retards. Why can't weak woman control strong men? Strong men are spoiled with too many women to choose from. Get it? Women are weak, horny retards in "good" men's eyes.
Women know a good husband goes the extra mile to make his wife feel like a lady. Why? A women's superficial worth ages like milk. That combination of masculinity and disrespect alphas offer (without commitment), means 95% of women are fucking MYSTIFIED by assholes. Why? Tabitha’s weakness is just strength without confidence. Assholes prey on that because unavailable father figures satisfy female's affinity for a good paternal benchmark; thanks to absentee biological fathers failing to provide a good example. Why? Disrespect shakes the confidence of women's superficial worth. A women's worth is seldom shaken because horny retards (men and women) are too spineless to master the art of masculinity. Masculinity is an art form. The tables turn on women when their superficial masculine traits program them to fuck-on-command (like horny retards) with poor examples of unavailable father figures; to secure a nuclear bond irresponsibly. Affection is fluid, and that makes incestuous-pedophiles multiply by design. Suddenly, aroused by the challenge of “fixing” an asshole (who isn’t broken), horny retards plummet their standards to maximize their potential to get impregnated to trap said asshole; to JUSTIFY the traumatic memories of an absentee father. ZING! When that fails, beta males swoop into the rescue of single mothers to marry post-wall whores, and raise another man’s litter. Women are moral idiots when it comes to procreation. Tabitha Steffens, you do not deserve my wisdom, fear that. I have conquered neediness. I don't fuck on command.