154 - Warmth is boring

Tim Horton's 55 York St, Toronto, ON M5J 1R7, Canada

​It was post-psychosis.  Tabitha moved jobs from RBC to TD.  We met over coffee where we sheepishly discussed the awkward reveal of my feelings towards her.

This is how that conversation ended.

John - "The feelings I have for you, I don't want it."

Tabitha - "...too bad."

This is not defamation, this my courage...to define Tabitha's character by proving her investment in my unwanted yearning (for her).  BOOM!  I'll never know to what degree, but I can confirm it was a vehicle of torture which took me years of SEVERE introspection to overcome.  I'm no Hunter Moore...I'm just a shmuck who writes books.

Fuck you Satan.

I walk away from the fire.  Fire is about the legacy we leave behind that people forget about after we die.  Peace is about keeping a clear conscience.  I choose peace.  There will never be a 'Project Massimo.'  I'm not afraid if it would fail, I'm afraid if it would succeed.

Today there was a "coincidence."  My daughter was on our iPad all morning while I was out with my son at an indoor playground.  When I got home my wife kicked Lia off of the iPad.  My daughter grabbed a pudding pack and plopped in front of the TV and turned it on.  I told her to turn it off.  Her response?

Lia - "I don't WANT to be bored!"

John - "Too bad!!!"

It's about boredom.  It's about knowing what's best for you to survive being controlled.  Controlled by what?  Ambition's talent to irritate us (with boredom).  What ambition?  To achieve the impossible.  That's what I realized today, that...when I would rather die (choking on my own vomit) than submit to God; I remember that the immutable warmth I've grown accustomed (through my flaw) is difficult to leave behind.  God's frost stings because that builds character.  Warmth is boring.  I don't want to be bored.

This is not about revenge Dr. Bami, this is about teaching my children that attention is dangerous.  Why?  You can't control people.  It's impossible to please everyone, so attention becomes dangerous when we are denied.  #psychosis

Emotional affairs in the workplace ravage families.  On top of a toxic environment where my boss and colleagues discussed my lack of skill (behind my back) while I twisted in the wind for three years.  Why?  I was the "teacher's" pet.  I had to learn years later from my then boss Trish Thornton (who reported into the "Teacher") revealed to me as these last words before she left the company,

"John if it were up to me, I would never have hired you."

#collusion

I chuckled with confusion.  Only hours later did I manifest a response.

"You know what Trish, if it were up to me, you would never have been my manager."

eSignatures...fucking broke me.  Collusion between my manager Trish Thornton and colleagues to keep from me my poor performance; it was not documented truthfully by the "Teacher's" wishes (then VP Richard Wilson).  I did not get the developmental support to raise my skillset as Trish recommended to the VP.  A years long one-sided emotional affair (with a colleague) compelled me to master the human psyche.  I've overcome psychosis, not without consequences.  Such as?  To confirm humanity is a race of incestuous-pedophiles.  THAT IS OUR IMMUTABLE FLAW.  Imagine how my insights can help survivors of psychosis?  To prevent psychosis.  To induce psychosis.  

I'm a dad.  As God as my witness...my children will not repeat my mistakes.  Such as?  Attention is dangerous.  Outside of that, I need legitimacy from the establishment to spread my word across the medical community.  If I don't get that, remember that I'm a father first.  I advocate for my children, and that's all I can really handle.  If you're interested in my quest, start from the beginning.

I'm bipolar.  I accept the consequences because I don't have a choice.  But being bipolar is not what makes me sick anymore.  People not listening to me, does.  No one understands me.  That's keeping me sick.  No one is listening.  That's keeping me sick.  No one admits I'm right.  It took me 7+ years to map out my psychosis.  I wager I can help people overcome psychosis in 6 months.  No more long term disability.  Have people reengage the workforce before they lose the will to starve.

The key to mental health is accepting yourself completely.  Even the putrid Satanic thoughts we can't help to have.  Humanity's chief export is delusion, conspiracy and denial.  We have nothing to offer the galaxy beyond the bliss of oxygen debt: ignorance.  Do you want to understand immutable flaw?  Help me help.  Only a maverick charts the known we take for granted.